you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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