i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
