if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
