About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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