I wish I only lived at night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
