I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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