very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
