i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
