i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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