it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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