This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
