If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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