If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
