no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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