Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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