THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
