he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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