I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
