i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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