I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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