You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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