I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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