I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
