I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
