wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
