Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
