I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
