Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
