Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
