You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
