I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
