He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
