I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
