i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you had me at cake vodka
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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