GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
