It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
