Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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