did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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