My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
