How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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