You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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