my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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