My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
