You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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