Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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