My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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