I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
