Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
