I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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