Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
