last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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