i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
