one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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